Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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