The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
