I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
