why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
