I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
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You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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