He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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