Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
