New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
