I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
