just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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