we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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