so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
