My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
