oh god the rape fog is back!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
