So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
