I wish I could teleport
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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