She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
