We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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