My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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