He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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