Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
