if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
