also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
