time to smoke my breakfast
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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