This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.