I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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