I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
