I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
