I think my fart just growled at me.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
