So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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