i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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