If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
