So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
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I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?