this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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