R you on birth control?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.