last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds