my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
