now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi