If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?