based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
