so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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