At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
