Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Me too!
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
the day after is always just damage control
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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