elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize