im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
