I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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