the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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