so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Randomize
