Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
This is not my ceiling
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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