just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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