theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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