i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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