When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
