I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I still have a little drunk in my system
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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