One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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