I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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