We got so high we made milksteak
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
