I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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