Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
