i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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