Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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