I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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