Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
